Hello, my little ladies with negligible interest or knowledge of football. Ever found yourself sitting in a room full of boys (or girls, of course) watching a football match, bickering over whether or not that silly little pass that you thought seemed pretty straightforward was an “offside” or not? Now, what the heck, right?! You pass, you shoot, you score, simple. But alas, nothing ever is.
So let’s try to explain to you the offside rule of football using the analogy of a love triangle (even if we’re not into football, a hot piece of gossip about the latest love triangle surely catches us girls’ attention, doesn’t it?).
1.There’s you on one side, with your posse of friends rooting for you to win the guy. We’ll call you “United”, for that’s what you want to be.
2.So far into the game of love, you’re winning, you’ve got the guy on your side. Him, we will call your “Goalie”.
3.Then comes the new girl in town, with her charms and her tricks. Let’s name her “Chelsea”, the opposition, with her own solid squad of evil conniving minions at her beck and call.
1.Chelsea marches forward from their side of the battlefield, entering your territory, with the magic ball in hand (foot, rather) and a smug look. You, United, hang around at the back to keep a good eye on your Goalie -at your end, it’s just you and him, while your loyal posse and the evil minions are battling it out ahead of you. But soon enough, you’re no longer alone…
2.Chelsea is gathering momentum, getting closer and closer. When suddenly, it’s almost hard to tell if it’s you or her who is standing closer to Goalie. At this very moment, Evil Minion #1 throws the magic ball towards Chelsea.
3.This is where this little feud gets tricky. If Chelsea is closer to the dashing Goalie than you are (whether it’s her entire body, a leg, an arm, a knee or even a finger) with no one else between them – the horn (whistle) blows, bringing the armies to a standstill.
If this is the case, then she’s made a terrible blunder. One which you can reprimand her for, she has obviously tried to sneak past you, that cunning little one! All is not fair in love and war; she will pay, while you stand United as ever. (LADIES, THIS IS AN OFFSIDE. YOU’VE GOT IT!)
But if she’s further away from Prince Charming than you are, at the exact moment in which Evil Minion #1 throws the magic ball in her direction, then all you can do is let the games continue and do your best to defend your honour and make sure she doesn’t get a chance to get to your man. It gets even harder for you -say Minion #1 shoots the magic love ball towards Minion #2 who is in the safe zone, while Chelsea stands between you and your love, this is a fair play as well, despite the fact that Chelsea has ventured into your side a little too far. Brace yourself, and defend yourself against the conspiring likes of Chelsea.
So there you have it. The offside rule decoded in girl talk. Now run along and show off your newly acquired knowledge!
Okay the drawings suck. But you get the idea.