Yes, yes, we know that World Whisky Day is celebrated on March 27 every year. But we were so busy celebrating it that we couldn’t turn in this piece on time. Anyway, there are a lot of different kinds of whiskies out in the world which means there are a lot of different kinds of whisky drinkers out in the world. Hopefully, this guide will let you figure out which category you fall in:
1. Bagpiper/McDowell’s = Angry Young Poor Man (sometimes old also)
People who drink Bagpiper’s or McDowell’s typically don’t have a lot of moolah. But they do have a lot of rage. These are the guys who are always itching for a fight. ‘Tchya Maila’ and ‘Tu jaanta nahi main kaun hoon’ are two of their favourite phrases. When you hear either of these two sentences, you might want to duck and save your glass of booze and chakna because sh*t is going to go down!
2. Blender’s Pride= Lonely Soul
BP means something completely different to fans of Blender’s Pride. While most men will think of their horny adolescent selves, the true BP fan will call for some cool water to drink his favourite poison. The BP fan is the solo dude at the bar drowning his sorrow in a quarter of BP, he’ll occasionally look up from his glass when it’s time for a refill or if Jagjit Singh’s voice comes on the music system. Beware of starting a discussion with him. You’ll be sucked into his melancholic world and will starting viewing your world through a very bleak lens.
3. Teacher’s = Moderately Successful Finance Guy
Most stock market uncles are the kinds who drink Teacher’s. You’ll usually spot them at bars next to the Bombay Stock Exchange but only on weekdays (on weekends, they have to take the family out). These are the guys who come to drink and baato a lot of gyan about the stock markets to anyone who will listen to them. If you are lucky, you will get a good stock tip from them.
4. Jack Daniel’s = Angry Young Rich Man (mostly living off baap ka paisa)
There are two kinds of people who drink JD. One drinks it with coke. You call this lot douchebags. They are only confident when they are in a group of more douchebags. Call them out solo and they will run away. The second kind drinks JD neat. These are the kinds you have to be wary of. One second they are all smiles and happy, the next they have broken a bottle on someone’s head because they ‘looked at me in a funny way’.
5. Black Dog = Shakti Kapoor Fan Club
These are usually tharki old men. Think of Amrish Puri, Sadashiv Amrapurkar, Shakti Kapoor and Kader Khan sitting in a bar and watching a cabaret. Yeah, you get the point. These guys are generally loaded and the Black Dog gangs always hunt in a pack. They will hit on the youngest, prettiest girls and wonder why everyone turns them down.
6. Johnnie Walker = Wannabe
The Johnnie Walker fan comes in all shapes and age groups. You have the young ‘un just trying his first big boy whisky, you have the 20-something trying to impress his boss with a bottle of Johnnie, you have the middle-aged man who has graduated from Teacher’s to Johnnie and then you have the worst one: The guy who drinks Johnnie Walker because a long time ago, someone told him that Johnnie made the best whisky and he hasn’t drunk anything else since. He is a true Johnnie snob and you want to stay away from him.
7. Koi Bhi Brand Chalega, Whisky Lao = Alcoholic
This guy drinks straight from the bottle. He’s not bothered by glasses or brands. Johnnie is the same to him as is Bagpiper’s. Water, ice, coke are all just liquids that dilute the taste. He doesn’t want any of them. He is the Leonidas of whisky drinkers. And just like Leonidas, he dies young.
Single Malts: We know we haven’t included single malts in this list but that’s a whole new list for you. Look out for it this weekend.
If you know of any other whisky drinkers, let us know. Write to us at email@example.com