Hilarious Responses to ‘What’s your sexual history?’

"Yes, but don't tell my spouse."

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‘Please list out your sexual history’ is the most embarrassing but unavoidable question on health questionnaires and checklists. Nurses, doctors, medical professionals and regular people on Reddit list out the funniest responses they’ve heard.

1. Impossible

I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor “I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex” as she gives her Dad a “please don’t kill me” look. Ah, family moments. [mhornberger]

2. Please Be More Specific

I worked in a prison and our ‘sexual history’ question gets a little more in depth. However, my favourite answer of all time followed the question “Have you ever used drugs or illicit substances?” To which the inmate responded No, he had never.

Then the sexual history question came up and he said “Well I snorted coke off a hooker, but I didn’t f**k her so does that count?”

We had to restart the questionnaire. [Coord26673]

3. Really?

“Eleven girls in forty-eight hours”

“Really?”

“No, I’m sad and lonely.” [stingray20201]

4. Hell, Yes!

Many years ago I had to accompany my Grandma (RIP 2013) to a hearing. She was suing a grocery store because a shelf collapsed on her hand and broke her wrist. There was a big conference room table with her doctor there, attorneys, and other official people. The attorney asked, “would you say that your sex life has been negatively affected?”

Granny holds up her cast and says “Hell yes!”

I was mortified. The room was humming with muffled giggles. [DarwinianMonkey]

5. No Clue

As a Med student in an std clinic in Miami, I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. “Honey, I get paid to f**k. I got no clue.” She got all the antibiotics. [Dan-z-man]

6. Since You Asked…

My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form, he circled the “sexual history” part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back, it read “it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…” He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.

I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long. [xenogensis]

7. Yes. No.

When I was thirteen I responded “yes” when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex. [jiggle_the_handle]

8. That Dirty Woman!

I was a medical assistant working for a dermatology office. A 65-year-old man came in with an abundance of genital warts and said “I kept sleeping with that same dirty woman. That’s why I got these things” [mcpo91]

9. Well, Not Today

I got a laugh out of hearing a young girl tell me she’s not currently sexually active because the last time she had sex was the day before. [SqueezeTheShamansTit]

10. Do Dildos Count?

A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said: “do dildos count?” [sacrilicious_sk]

11. Not For a Long Time, Honey

Not a nurse but a former health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.” [moonboots333]

12. Don’t Tell My Wife

I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).

Best answer I heard was “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.” [refubeegee]

13. That’s How I Afford My Ride

One of my classmates was asking a 75-year-old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam. Her response:

“I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.” [Preppy-Punk]

14. Bro, I’m Not Even Socially Active

Not a nurse but the best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my college English class. Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active. His perfect response was “Bro I’m not even socially active.”

[FatFlamacue]