The image is king and speaks volumes about who we are. From the clothes we wear to the places we eat and drink to the places we decide to inhabit, people notice what we do and make judgments as to who we are by how we look.
The very first facet of our self-image is our presentation to others and this is initially portrayed through the way we look. Now I think it’s fair to say that most people don’t have a fabulous self-image. We all know people who love themselves but generally, though we may like ourselves, we don’t love everything about us. We may not like our noise, the shape of our face, our hair, the way we get a wrinkle around the eye. Maybe our butt is too big or we could do with losing some weight. But whatever it is, there will always be something that could be bettered. Just look at the way people who have had a lot of cosmetic surgery still manage to complain. Well, I am sorry guys, but perfection is somewhat elusive.
The basis of any courtship, date or relationship is a basic physical attraction. If you are not attracted to someone and they are not attracted to you, you have just become friends. Whatever happens afterward, it is likely to stay that way. You both must be physically attracted on some level to make things work. Yes, spiritual attraction, deep respect, and friendship all do play a part in the longer term but in the first few minutes of the meeting, we instantly recognize whether there is an attraction and chemistry present between us.
These basic signals dilate pupils, redden the skin, wet the lips and arouse base human instincts. That desire is to lead to the wish to have sex. The issue is that these signals are being eroded by well-meaning campaigners who say that looks should not matter. I am not really very good looking in my own opinion but I do know what I look like. And I do know who and what I am attracted to. I am sometimes called shallow because I go for a certain look for my dates. But the point is that these looks are what I find attractive and I tend to go for people who go for my kind of looks, thus increasing the chance of dating success.
Initial dates are all about looks, about who and what we find attractive and we are foolish if we try and suppress these desires. If you like someone’s hair, eyes, lips, the way they play with their fingers, the way they hold a glass or the way they walk then this is all on purpose. It is all part of the grander plan of matching like with like. By matching couples who are physically attracted, it is nature’s way of pairing off. And for the most part, it works well. The issue arises where we have trouble finding people who find us attractive.
The first thing that springs to mind is that where physically appealing looks are lacking, so people tend to make up with personality. Some of the sexiest people I have ever met are not physically attractive but they are immensely funny. Comedians are often not the best looking people you have met but are very attractive. This in some way comes from their inner confidence and stage presence. It is often said that men who are not too tall exude character and personality to make up for it. Again this may be true.
The key thing though is that we must not underplay the reality that looks are important when dating. We should try to understand what kind of looks we really are attracted to and what kind of people we appeal to. We should understand how we look to others. If we are unhappy with the way we look then we should take necessary steps to look the best we can. That is not for others but purely for ourselves. In turn, this will increase confidence levels and help make us more attractive. People will often say that one should not care about what is outside but what is inside that matters. It’s true. That is the way the world should be. But it isn’t. That kind of comment comes from those who are secretly worried about the way they look.
Conversely, people often say that for them, looks don’t matter. That is not true either. Looks never matter when you already the like the look of someone and find them acceptable attractive. Looks only matter when you are not attracted to someone physically. When you are seriously not attracted, then the looks of the other party become an issue even if you won’t admit it. By generally meeting people who are attractive to you, you will eventually believe that on a conscious level you don’t acknowledge looks. It is true that your view on physical attractiveness changes as you get older and as you mature in outlook. A man of 50 may not be attractive to a girl of 20 but may be very attractive to a woman of 40. Then again a woman of 45 can be very attractive to a man of 30. It all depends.
Our lives and the way we have developed in connection with life-experiences governs to some degree what and who attracts us. Personally, I like long straight blonde hair, but it is as much related to my teenage likings for the blonde singer of Fleetwood Mac or Agnetha from Abba as it is for any other reason. So there may be a link to what we find attractive on an emotional as well as physical level due to to the early connections we make.
In modern society, we can all look good and we can look healthy. It is possible to buy an image from the local store and we are sophisticated presenters of the image through our exposure to the media. But in the end, we are in danger of losing a connection to the most basic of instincts, physical match. We can pretend that men and women who seek physical perfection are shallow and outdated, but they are only following their basic instincts. We can disguise and we can pretend and we can plead for others to look at our inner selves first and we can spend months chatting on an Internet dating site to show how nice we are. However, in a two-minute meeting face to face, we both know whether it will work or not.
Physical matching is not about physical perfection, it is about compatibility. If you are not feeling truly good about yourself when you are about to begin dating then take some time out to take an inventory of yourself and then set about changing a few things. Remember that everything you do in life affecting your appearance should primarily be for yourself but at the same time if you are serious about dating successfully you really should think very seriously about how you look to others. As I have said previously, you may be searching for your perfect partner, but to find them you may well have to try and present yourself as their ideal mate too.
Finally, consider this. A survey recently asked what attribute people most associated with being poor and unsuccessful. The top answer was being overweight and the second was smoking.