I recently heard from a wife who told me that she didn’t think that she could ever get over the lies she was uncovering about her husband’s cheating. She said, in part: “his cheating on me and having an affair is bad enough. But, it seems like every day, I undercover yet another lie that he has told me. He knows that honesty is huge with me. Being lied to like this is just something that I don’t think that I can tolerate. And yet, I have children and the thought of breaking up their family seems worse to me than dealing with his lies. So I want to work on the marriage for my kids. But how can I get over this lies? And how can I make him see that honesty is 100% required from this moment on? Because if I keep catching these untruths, I am going to eventually have no patience left.”
Dishonesty is so wrapped up in infidelity that it’s sometimes hard to separate one from another. And this situation is so very common. But, you can set some ground rules and come to some understanding from this point forward. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Being Hurt By His Dishonesty And His Lies During The Cheating Is Absolutely Understandable: The act of infidelity, by definition, means that your spouse is likely going to need to lie to you to carry it out. And, we’re often not only talking about one lie or even a couple. Depending on how long the cheating went on for, we’re sometimes talking about countless lies on an almost daily basis. And many of these untruths required careful planning beforehand and looking at you with a perfectly straight face while they were being told.
I don’t know very many wives dealing with the aftermath of cheating who are not asking themselves how their husband could look at them in their home and then blatantly lie. And he’s doing this with the sole purpose to deceive you so that he can continue to carry out his infidelity. And often, he’s not only lying to you, he’s also stretching the truth with the other woman. So, there’s plenty of dishonesty to go around, but this certainly doesn’t make it right.
Many wives find themselves wondering if it’s even worth it to try to save a marriage that is built on this sort of deception. Many wives tell me that they wonder if they are just being stupid by trying to continue to be with someone who has shown themselves as horribly dishonest.
What’s very interesting is that often the husbands who cheated try to justify their dishonesty. They’ll tell you that they were trying to spare you pain or that they weren’t sure what they wanted or that they were in denial. But it’s rare that these things ring true. In fact, many women’s response is something like: “if I had felt this way, I would’ve been honest and told my husband so that we could work on our marriage before any infidelity happened. I wouldn’t have been sneaky and kept my concerns from him. His doing so just proves what kind of character he truly has.”
I completely understand these feelings as I experienced them. And, it took me a long time to stop fixating on the deception. But eventually, you have to decide a couple of things. You have to decide if it’s going to be deal breaker and you have to decide if you’re going to sit back and decide for yourself if you feel he can chance or if you can come to trust him again.
Returning Honesty In A Marriage Nearly Ruined By Lies And Infidelity: Here’s the thing. Unfortunately, you can’t change what has happened. And dealing with being betrayed just stinks. It really does. There is nothing fun or positive about it as it’s happening to you. But, there will typically come a time when you get begin to get so tired of feeling angry and enraged all of the time. You just get to a point where you want to return to a sense of calm and routine. And it’s very difficult to do this when you are constantly churning out more anger.
When you reach this place, you’ll often need to decide how you want to proceed. Sometimes, you determine that you just can not move past these types of lies and deception. And if this is what it takes for you to feel peace, then you need not make any apologies for this. The right answer is the one that works best for you and gives you the most peace.
But, others will want to maintain their marriage and their family. For those women, it helps to decide that you aren’t going to drag this around with you continuously and that you want to move on. One way to do this is to make it crystal clear to your husband that will never tolerate this type of betrayal or dishonesty again. With that done, you’ll often then need to work on reestablishing open communication in your marriage. You need to be free to tell him how you are feeling. And, he needs to feel OK about approaching you with any issues.
Whether it’s valid or not, many men who have affairs will claim that they didn’t feel comfortable approaching their wives with issues. This isn’t a valid excuse of course. But, one important issue when trying to save your marriage after an affair is safeguarding your marriage from future infidelity. It’s difficult to save your marriage when you’re constantly worried that he’s going to cheat again.
So creating crystal clear understandings and opening up the communication are both very important parts of this process. And these things can also eventually offer some relief from the anger you feel right now.
There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com