I often hear from wives or girlfriends who tell me that their husband or boyfriend is telling them that his feelings for them are gone. I often hear comments like “my husband told me that he no longer has any feelings for me.” Or “my boyfriend says that his romantic feelings have long gone.” Sometimes the women involved doubt this. Often, the man in question is acting counter to his claims. Other times, the woman is confused as to how he can seemingly turn on and off his feelings like a water faucet. How can someone who has invested so much and who was such a willing participant turn his back?
In the following article, I’ll discuss some considerations you may want to look at in this scenario as well as some tips for how to deal with it, especially if your own feelings are still very much there and you don’t want to let him go.
The Determination As To Whether His Feelings Are Gone Or Not Often Takes Some Time And You Don’t Want To Make Things Worse By Panicking: I understand how horrible it feels when he tells you his feelings for you are gone. You can feel as if you want to change this situation almost immediately. It feels awful and foreign to be in this place and you want to make things better yesterday.
One way that people will sometimes do this is to try to argue the point or “prove” to the husband or boyfriend that he still loves them. They will often try to watch for inconsistencies in his behavior or act in desperate ways to change his mind. In my opinion and experience, this method does not have as high of a success rate as some others that require you to act in a more deliberate and controlled way. I know it’s difficult to have and carry out a plan or strategy, but sometimes you will get more success this way.
Yes, sometimes men say their feelings are gone when they really are not. Sometimes, they say this because they believe they want or need a break and they know if they play the feeling card, you are less likely to have any counter to this. Other times, they are trying to press your buttons or hurt you. And sometimes, there is something else going on in their life that leads them to think their feelings are gone when they really are not. In other words, they project their frustrations from other areas onto their life onto you because you are likely the closest person to them and are convenient.
This is unfair and unfortunate. But rather than point this out or argue, you will often put yourself in a better position if you attempt to place the situation (and yourself) in the best light. Once you do this, gradually and over time, your husband or boyfriend may come to realize this. And when he does, you haven’t alienated yourself or made the situation worse.
Getting His Feelings For You Back: You likely think that getting his feelings back should be your first priority. And, it is a high priority, but it’s not the only consideration. Because frankly, feelings follow along and go hand and hand with the health of your relationship and what else is happening in your life. If you argue and alienate yourself, your chances of him feelings anything positive for you are greatly lessened.
To paint yourself in the best light and to give yourself more access to him, you want to portray yourself as the person who is on his side and who has his back. If you continue to dwell on the feelings, he might back away because the whole thing is just too uncomfortable. So instead, you want to project yourself as the person who just wants him to be happy. You can see he’s struggling and approaching some changes in his life, and you have his back.
It can be important that rather than stressing how unfair or inaccurate this is or why he should change his mind, you stress that you care enough about him to not make his load more heavy and you just want to maintain the relationship no matter what form it might take. Sure, it may be painful as you pretend you’re OK with these changes.
But what you are doing is buying yourself time. You’re gaining access. You’re hoping to still be there when he comes to his senses and realizes he’s been projecting and taking you for granted. These methods may not always work, but they work plenty of the time. And at the very least, they paint you in the best light possible so that you will know that you handled yourself with dignity and didn’t do anything to make the situation worse. These things will often make your situation better and will show your husband or boyfriend the loving woman that he remembers and fell in love with in the first place.
How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes (which almost cost me my marriage) when I was trying to make my own husband fall back in love with me. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband’s love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.