The controlling boyfriend has trouble sharing you with friends or family. He will act as though he owns you. No man or woman has any right to own another, especially you. He will keep you close and expect to know your every move. If you don’t tell him what you got up to while you weren’t around him, he will either get angry, sulk or become manipulative. The only time you need to tell a man your whereabouts is when; a) you have to cancel meeting him, b) you are running late or c) you want to tell him.
There are three main controlling signs; 1) the controlling boyfriend acts as though he owns you. He does not treat the relationship equally, it is always his way. 2) The controlling boyfriend is constantly suspicious. His behavior is very paranoid. It is because his inner voice convinces him that you are up to something and he will lose you if he does not keep a ‘tightrope’ around you. 3) The controlling boyfriend does not allow you to have friendships, even with family. This is silly, your family and friends are needed because more than one relationship is healthy. The controlling boyfriend only wants you to have one relationship and that is with him. This is not healthy because friends and family provide an outlet for support and stress. The controlling boyfriend isolates you because he will always believe he is not good enough and your family and friends will make you leave him or you will meet another man. No matter what you do to try to convince him, he will never change because he only believes what he wants to believe.
The controlling boyfriend has issues with trust. He will act as though he doesn’t trust you or the people around you. This has nothing to do with you. The problem lies within him. You will find that it is not only you, he doesn’t trust. He most likely has not trusted any of his previous girlfriends, friends or family. The controlling boyfriend is comfortable not trusting people.
The controlling boyfriend might make suggestions on what you should wear and how you should act. These are not suggestions, they are subtle demands. They are controlling signs. You find that when you wish to wear the clothes you want; he either gets mad or sulks. He might even try to pull out the clothes he wants you to wear. No man has the right to tell you what to wear. He should not tell you how to act either. If he wants a girl who behaves in a particular way, then he should find a woman who is more compatible, not try to mold it from another woman. An extreme controlling sign is when the man starts to isolate you from your family and friends. He might get mad over things which normal people do not get upset about such as having coffee with your mom. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have time with your mum. The only problem is the controlling boyfriend is selfish and has underlying issues. They have low self-confidence, low self-esteem, little respect for themselves and low self-beliefs. These men believe that the women in their life will leave them or be ‘stolen’ from them. This is why they try to isolate the woman from outside relationships. Once she has no contact with others, she can easily be dominated. This helps the controlling boyfriend feel in control. They will make up stories, threaten or sulk to get you to end relationships and spend all your time with them.
The controlling signs which suggest that you are with a controlling boyfriend are hard to pick at first. Most of these types of guys start with subtle requests such as, ‘Will you wear your hair up today?’ They may even mock or tell you that they dislike your friend(s) so that you question the friendship. You might then decide to end the friendship because your controlling boyfriend doesn’t like them. Therefore, we don’t see that we are in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend until he has made many demands or we realize that we are isolated from friends and family. The controlling boyfriend will go to extremes to make you believe that you don’t need your friends or that your family is the ones trying to hold you back. The truth is, it is him that you don’t need and who is holding you back. He cannot control you if you are away from him. When you are with another person, the lack of control scares him. Not having your attention on him constantly increases his fear of losing you and he feels inadequate, even if you are in the same room but talking to someone else. He overwhelms himself with the false belief that you will end the relationship or run off with another man.
You may start to feel as though you have no freedom or that you have to ask for permission first. No man or woman has the right to control your life. No one can control what you believe you need or want. Unless you are under eighteen, you do not need anyone’s permission to go out with friends, to work or do whatever you feel like. You should not feel as though the relationship has boundaries which limit your freedom.
The controlling boyfriend will be sweet and charming when you first meet him. What you need to be aware of are the subtle demands. If he asks for anything which might block your freedom of choice or block acting in a way which is part of your personality, step back and question it. If it seems unreasonable or makes you feel uncomfortable, then it’s time to give him the flick before you sink further into his control. Be honest with yourself; do not make excuses for a controlling boyfriend. Remember, this type of man does not care about your needs or feelings, even though he may pretend to at first. That’s only to lure you in. This type of guy wants to control your life so that he can feel more powerful and more self-confident. For him, it’s about taking away your self-confidence, self-esteem and freedom, so that you feel as low as what he does inside. If a man is feeling inadequate, or low in self-esteem, the only treatment for him is therapy. Controlling another person is not the way to enhance your own self-esteem. These men act out of fear and insecurity. They don’t want to be alone. Unfortunately, they will never change. They can be helped, but not by you.