I sometimes hear from wives who see their husband’s mistress or “other woman” very clearly and realistically when their husband just can’t do the same. Many wives feel that the other woman is a gold digger, an opportunist, or a person of extremely low integrity, but they don’t know how to make their husband see or understand the same information.
I heard from a wife on my blog who said: “as soon as my husband admitted to cheating, I went on a campaign to find out who the other woman was. At first, he didn’t want to tell me but I assured him that I would find out eventually because I wasn’t going to give up until I did. As a result, he gave me a name but wouldn’t offer any more information. So I hired someone to do a background check on her. And just I suspected, she’s not who she claims to be. She told my husband she has never been married when in fact she has been married three times. She told my husband she has never had children, when in fact she has two kids who have been taken from her. She has filed for bankruptcy and is in tons of debt. I know that this woman is going to take advantage of my husband and will try to benefit from him financially. How can I expose her for who she truly is? Should I just demand that my husband look at the information that the investigator gave to me? Because at this point my husband is obsessed with the other woman and he doesn’t want to listen to anything negative that I have to say about her.”
This is a tough situation. If the wife kept quiet, her husband was likely to be taken advantage of. But when she tried to offer up information, the husband didn’t want to hear it because he thought she was just making things up or saying things just to end the husband’s affair. So he ended up seeing his wife as the bad person in the whole scenario. In situations such as these, you have to make a decision as to whether the information you have is something that might harm your husband if you keep it quiet. And then you have to decide how you are going to communicate the information so that it has the best chance of actually making an impact.
I would suggest treading lightly but also in being honest. A suggested script might be something like: “listen, I wanted to know who I was dealing with so I did some background research on her. What I found concerned my very much. She has lied to you on multiple topics. She’s been divorced three times and she’s a mother of two who has had her children taken away. She is bankrupt and heavily in debt. I know that you might be angry that I researched her. But this is a professional job and I have records and proof when or if you want to see them. I couldn’t sit by and withhold this information from you because you have the right to know the truth. I realize that you might not be ready to know the truth right now, but, when you are, the information will be here for you.”
It’s common for husbands to be quite defensive in this situation, especially in the beginning. They don’t want to believe that this woman’s interest in them is purely financial or selfish. Sometimes, he will become angry with you or refuse to hear what you have to say. But, over time, many husbands will have this information nag at them and they may do their own research and learn that you’ve told them the truth. And when this happens, often over time, their anger will turn toward her instead of toward you.
Unfortunately, your husband’s reactions and his feelings are really outside of your control. All you can really control right now is whether you chose to share this information and how you chose to do it. My advice would be to handle it with dignity and respect. Don’t say it in a hurtful way that implies that your husband is stupid or deserves what he is getting. Take the tone that you are telling him because you care and because he doesn’t deserve the deception that is happening to him.
I know that it’s tempting to take special pleasure in telling him what a low quality person this other woman is, but try to use some restraint so that you are better off in the long term. As much as he might posture otherwise, this information is probably going to hurt him. In fact, both of you will likely have some hurt to overcome in the days to come. Overcoming the affair can be a long process, but it can be worth it in the end. If it helps, you can read my story of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/