This is perhaps one of the most common questions that I’m asked. Wives often ask how a husband can cheat on them and still swear (often quite sincerely) that they still want to be with them. I’m often asked how this is possible. If he’s interested in the other person enough to have a physical relationship with them (often in secret,) than how can he still be committed to and invested in the relationship with his wife?
The answers to these questions can be quite complex. As a woman, it would be difficult for me to answer these questions from a male point of view. However, I do sometimes have husbands find my blog who either comment on the site or who contact me directly. These husbands often want advice as to how to make things right with their wife and with their marriage. These conversations and comments often give me unique insight into exactly what these men are thinking and where their heart really is. I often pass these things on to wives to help them understand (to the extent that they can) why a man can cheat and then claim that he still wants to be with (and is likely still in love with) his wife. In the following article, I’ll share with you some of the insights that these husbands give me.
Men Often Want To Remain With Their Wives After Cheating Because The Marriage Is Not What Contributed To The Affair: It’s such a common assumption that men cheat because there are issues or problems with their marriage or with their wives. This is not always the case. In fact, I would argue that it rarely is not. Admittedly, no marriage is perfect and a man will sometimes use shortcomings in the marriage to justify his actions.
But, the marriage is often not the cause of those actions. The cheating is usually a reaction to shortcomings within the man himself. It is typically him grasping at straws in order to address his own shortcomings. Examples of this are things like low self esteem, self doubt, boredom, feelings of vulnerability, and going through a personal crisis. These things certainly do not excuse his actions or his cheating, but understanding this can help you to fathom how the marriage has less to do with an affair than most people assume.
Taking this even further, if the marriage was not the reason for the affair, then at least in his mind, the core of the marriage hasn’t changed. And very often, when the affair comes crashing down, a husband will realize just how much he has taken his wife and his marriage for granted. This might not mean all that much to the wife, but this is often part of his thought process.
Men Often Come To Realize That The Other Person Is Not Who He Thought She Was And She Can’t Solve His Problems: When a man is vulnerable to be unfaithful, he will often justify his actions in his own mind with building the other person up to be something she is not. He hopes that this person can help him to address whatever is going on with him. He will often assumes that no one has to know or be hurt by this. But, as time goes on, it will usually eventually become apparent that he will still struggling with the same issues because the only one who can solve these problems for him is himself.
This will often dampen his enthusiasm for the other person and, over time, he’ll usually come to learn that she wasn’t the person he thought she was and that it’s now obvious that the only person who can save him is himself. It also sometimes becomes apparent that a relationship based on deception and lies is destined to fail.
Once Reality Comes Crashing Down Around Him, Many Cheating Husbands Will Realize That They Should Have Turned To Their Wives In The First Place: Often when the reality of the situation becomes apparent, the husband realizes that he has bigger problems than he had before the affair. This can be devastating to him and he will often want a safe place to fall. When he looks around hoping for someone to pick him up and dust him off, who do you think he turns to? He turns to the person who knows him better than anyone else and who has always been there for him – his wife.
Of course, the wife might not be entirely receptive to this. She may well reject him. So often I hear from wives who tell me “I just want my life back. I just wish I could turn back time and find out that the cheating never happened.” But, what the wives often don’t believe is that their husbands who cheated often feel exactly the same way.
The husbands are usually at a place where they are now able to see that the affair only made more problems than it solved and they now feel even worse about themselves than they ever did before. They want to be with someone who knows them like no other and who has always been there for them. This isn’t a fair request, of course. They betrayed their wife before this realization happened and so now they run the risk of losing her. Of course, this usually makes her seem even more attractive. It’s human nature to want what you can not have or think you might have lost.
Of course, the wife will often reject these claims by the husband. And, you can’t blame her. How this turns out is anybody’s guess. But I hope this article has shown you that many husbands are quite sincere when they say they are still committed to and want to stay with their wives after an affair or cheating.
I know that people often assume that the other person has something special or has something that the wife doesn’t have, but this is rarely true. I am glad I forced myself not to buy into this. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.